they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
