when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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