I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
