She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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