That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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