she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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