i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
