I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
