Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
