its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
