My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
