If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
