She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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