everyone is single if you try hard enough
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
