I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
