I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
this beer tastes like vomit already
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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