I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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