I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
