Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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