If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
50% drunk capacity currently
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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