He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
