I'm really into asian looking animals
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
