So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
