I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I enjoy the company of your penis
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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