You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
