my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
my poor anus
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
