Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
