I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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