Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
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Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
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But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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