These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
