For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
