does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
