I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
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She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
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Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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