he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
