i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
