Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
