They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
