We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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