I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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