Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
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I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
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I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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