i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
