Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
