I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We don't watch enough power rangers
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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