It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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