Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
