I think I won the penis lottery.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
