Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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