kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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