A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I can't turn off my feet"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
