I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
