Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
