Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
