Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
