I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
