I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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