Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
