I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
