Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Randomize
